“When a team outgrows individual performance and learns team confidence, excellence becomes a reality.” – Joe Paterno. As a Pollyanna-ish type of person, I try to see the best in people. So oftentimes when my husband, Steve, comes home from work and vents about someone or complains that some guy has been an asshole, my usual response is, “I am sure he’s a great guy and didn’t mean it like that,” or, “he must have been having a bad day.” In my mind, I was helping my husband see humanity in a brighter light. To Steve, I was telling him that his feelings were BS and I was downplaying how he felt. Instead of being his best friend, I was “siding with the enemy” from his viewpoint. He’d often say, “hey, be on my team.”
So, when I was sent the book to review, Make Love, Not Scrapbooking, by Jennifer Gill Rosier, I was hooked after the first chapter, titled, “Be Supportive”, where the book discusses a couple that has this exact same problem. I recognized that I do exactly what Dr. Gill Rosier recommends married couples don’t do to each other. She describes the psychological reasons why couples need to have each other’s backs. Steve is definitely my best friend in many respects, but sometimes I take him for granted and don’t really take the time to give him what he needs from a friendship standpoint. What he needs is someone who going to be on his side; who he can count on to listen and be empathetic when he has crappy days. Isn’t that really what we all want?
After reading “Make Love, Not Scrapbooks”, I sat down with Steve and told him how I recognized what I did when I tried to help him see the best in other people. He always said, “hey, be on my team,” and now I finally hear him and better understand how he feels. I have caught myself doing it since then, because life-long habitual reactions are hard to break. I have asked Steve to patiently point it out each time I do it so I can be more conscious and become his team player!
So, just a reminder to pay attention to your partner’s subtle cues that you are or aren’t giving him what he needs. Be his friend, and be on his side. It’s a long haul through life together and it will be so much more fun if you’re on the same team.
